I was told a little white lie today.
Friday, July 2, 2010 at 8:29PM I am going to vent a bit and then hopefully spin this into a helpful tidbit. This is a combo rant about issues Jen and I have faced with our x’s and a dear friend who is in the early stages of being a single parent. Kind of been building up as I keep seeing the absolute most selfish bullshit from some very educated and professionally well-respected grown ass people. Most of all, parents of some really wonderful, unique, and very intelligent children. It is not just our wonderful former significant others, I see and hear about this all the time from single parents loving the opportunity to get some stress off their chest. I get "fing"with your x just for spite. It is unhealthy as hell and does not help you grow or move on but it is your journey and who am I to judge. However when your petty spite teaches, influences, and effects what should be the most precious lives in your life... I can not comprehend how someone can justify actions that betray that unyielding blind trust and faith that their children have in them. Lets touch on a few topics shall we?
Lying: And I am not just talking about well thought out lies but sence less any reason to lie, lies. Why lie in front of the kids to make a point or try and win an argument, just to take a shot at the x? Kids are not stupid, they know you are lying. You think they do not hear you on the phone? If they do not call you out on it, you can bet your ass they are asking someone about it. What message does this send? Is ego more important then the children?
Dating: It is not a brilliant idea to introduce your kids to someone you are not at least 90% sure is going to be part of your life for a long time to come. Using your kids to get laid will not earn you the parent of the year award. Having them spend the night over before you are married also not a good move. Making out in front of them, especially if they just met the kids, not a great idea. Not cool to make the kids call this person by an enduring parent name. Also not cool to create that name yourself. “This is your new Mommy Betty Big Ones.”
Discussing your x: Do you want someone saying anything bad about your parents? Most folks are ready to fight for their parents honor. So why on earth would you say anything bad about your child’s Mother or Father?
Sharing your kids time: Sometimes things, people, events are going to come up that will be fun and enriching for your children. Some times these opportunities will happen on your day to have the kids but it is your x's connections that make this experience possible. Do not be a selfish prick and make them miss time with family they do not get to see much or something unique. You may miss some of your time but it is ok your kids grow from the experience.
Payback: Why give a shit about “oneuping” a dumb ass at the expense of your kids. I do not know about you but respect for the opinion of my x is not high on my priority list. However I highly respect her important relevance in my children’s lives. For that reason alone, I do my best to not argue and let it go.
Now you maybe think this is basic common since. Well just about every scenario listed above happened to all three of us.
To wrap up, we all got issues. We all have gone through trials. We may have been royally screwed. Learn and grow or don’t it is your path your journey. However if you brought a life into this world you alone are responsible for being the best you can be to guide that life. It does not matter what your past is or what is going on in your life. Suck it up and do what is right for your kids.
Reader Comments (4)
Ooh, good topic. This hit close to home. It's amazing how some people who seem so intelligent and successful on the exterior can make some major bonehead decisions. And some are even more idiotic and make these same bad decisions over and over and over again. I have an ex like that and I try to look on the bright side and thank my lucky f'g stars that I'm not with that asshole anymore. He is somebody else's problem now. This bastard has done most all of the things you mentioned above. The ones that stuck out the most for me is that he is a liar and a serial dater. He thinks each woman he dates is "the one" and introduces them to the kids. He tells the kids he is going to marry these women and inevitably, it never works out because he always thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. He is just such a poor decision maker because he has a seriously flawed set of values, a crappy support system, bad instincts, impulsiveness, a poor understanding of himself and a weak grasp of what he wants out of life. He was the one who abruptly ended things between us, even though we were living together and I had a full relationship with his kids. I later found out that he was on match.com and other dating websites while he was still with me. It fucking tore me apart. That he could tell me in one breath that he wanted to marry me and all the while, he was out their trolling for women. What a scummy thing to do, especially to your kids. He probably knew he wasn't going to be able to fully commit and was just using me to fill a selfish need of his for a while, until someone better came along. I don't understand how someone can know this about themselves and yet have no problem messing with their kids heads. And from what I hear, he continues to repeat the same selfish behavior and puts his kids in harms way over and over again. He sets them up for disappointment and doesn't seem to give a shit what it's doing to them. Losing the relationship with his kids was just as horrible for me as it was for the kids. I was completely beside myself at losing them. He did not even give me a chance to say goodbye or to do this the right way for THEM. I can't iimagine the conclusions they must have come to on their own. And they were so little, this is beyond anything they could ever understand! I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one he has done this to. Not by a long shot. What is this teaching his kids? All I know is, one day, these kids are going to grow up and they're going to start asking questions. And when they do, they're going to find out a lot of unfortunate things about their dad and possibly lose respect for him. And that's probably only the tip of the iceberg about what it will mean for them.
WOW!!!! I feel you on so many levels B and commenter. I too have had and continue to have the unfortunate situation of having my kids paraded to each and every girlfriend and it drives me NUTS!!!! This is the only thing that I ever say anything to my ex husband about. The kids are confused and tell me of course what happens. I dont find out from HIM, its always from them AFTER he has introduced and on scary occasions after they have been told either by him or the flavor of the month that "I am definitely marrying your father". Seriously????? The scary thing for me is that he is able to continually find women with just as bad judgement as his. What the heck are the chances of that?
The only thing that any one of us can do is just be the rocks that our kids need us to be. My kids have NEVER met any one that I am dating. I have only introduced my kids to two different men at all and they are just friends, Bob being one of them. My kids have not lived with their father since they were 10 months, 3 and 5 so I realize just how easy it would be for them to get attatched to someone and if things didn't work out then have the torn out of their lives. That is just not something I am willing to do to them. I can see it with my two guy friends that they have met, especially Owen my now 6 yr old. The thought of that happening to him as the youngest is something that just isn't an option for me. My older two have had to try to understand the dating concept as a result of the plethora of women that they have met so they are a little more cautious.
I have had my kids ask me why I don't introduce them to my boyfriends, and I simply tell them its not what I think is best for them until its a serious enough relationship for them to be exposed to. And, I don't have one!! LOL I definitely date, but no "boyfriends". I have learned through this god awful process of dating hoe necessary it is to be especially choosy.
All we can do as parents of divorced children is to be the best example for them. They deserve our absolute best judgement and moral apptitude. They can and will only duplicate the type of relationship that they see modeled for them through us, their parents. So, I try to stop certain things from happening to them, but in the end all I can really do is model for them what I think is best for them.
Good luck all!!!!! :-D
You are an amazing, amazing woman. I really do admire you and your values. It's so very hard to live those values when you are a single parent and struggling with so many aspects of life as a single parent (raising kids, money, dating, dealing with the ex, etc). What's admirable is that you don't give up no matter what. You are strong. There's no doubt about that. I've read blogs from other single moms and have many friends who are single moms and many don't sound as pulled together, self-aware, and strong as you. You stick to what you know is right and good and you don't let anything or anyone dissuade you from modeling good values in front of your children. Now "that's" character. Your kids might not get it now because they're too young but someday, they're going to understand all that you have done for them and you will have their utmost respect. Most of what is good about them will also be attributed to you. Their father doesn't command a whole lot of respect and sounds like a pitiful role model.
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