a great read
Tuesday, August 3, 2010 at 3:53PM MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
If only we could figure thing out before its too late!
Reader Comments (3)
Reading this made me sad for you, me and so many others out there. It's too bad your ex wasn't smart enough to recognize the things he could have done to help save your marriage. As your post alludes, we never know when our time is up and it's life little day-to-day moments that are important. No should minimize the "details." That's what life's all about! The details!
I can't believe your ex left you with 3 small children and under the circumstances that he did. It's hard to believe he was/is actually ok with his choices. In reading your story and posts, it seems like he is still trying to hurt you or punish you for something. He has to know that parading these women in front of your kids and telling them he's going to marry them is going to get back to you. What's with this guy? He sounds so insensitive and ruthless. Does he get off on hurting people? You said something in one of your posts about how it never ceases to amaze you that he always finds an endless stream of women who want to marry him. That may be so but you don't know what he's telling them. These women might be good quality people like you and he may be pulling the wool over their eyes. He may be showing them only what he wants them to see. Maybe he has a prestigious career and uses that to lure women. Maybe he makes a lot of money and makes them think that by being with him, they'll improve their lifestyle. Maybe he's lying to them and telling them that you were the bad guy in the marriage. Maybe it's all of the above. And why are all his relationships with these women ending? Obviously, he hasn't taken the leap with anyone but you.
If I were you, I would take that to mean that none of these other women ever held a candle to you. You were his only wife and the mother of his children. You are the only one he made a real commitment with. And you are the only one who has satisfied him for the long-term. He sounds like a difficult guy and you clearly were the only one he was able to live with for so long. Ever since you, it's been a revolving door full of women who never last. You are also the only one he had children with. Yours will be very tough shoes for another woman to fill. I would think that any woman who ends up with him would feel completely eclipsed by you and the history you have not only with him but with his family. Think about it. A single woman meeting and dating your ex, on the heels of a messy divorce and after a very long marriage with 3 children. I'm sorry but there are not many people who would willingly enter into such a situation. Not unless they were desperate! Or he's filling their head with BS.
You are far better off without him and were probably too good for him to begin with. I know that sounds cliche but just consider this: I strongly suspect that when the day comes that you meet someone else and things get serious, he is going to sit up and take notice. Just you watch. Your ex is not going to handle it well. You will have your day. Hang on. It's coming.
Damn skippy! You can best believe your ex isn't gonna know what hit him when you finally hook up with someone else. Don't be surprised if that man comes slithering back on his hands and knees and wants to get back with you. He'll probably try to get between you and any man that has staying potential. I know ya'all had a family together but he sounds like someone who could ruin your life if you let him. You seem like your still young and you can still meet someone else who will love you the way you deserve to be loved and who'll love your children too. It's just a matter of time before you meet someone who will love you for exactly who you are and you won't have to walk on eggshells. How great will it be to just be you! After being hurt like you, I'm now with someone I can be myself 100%. It just feels like total freedom. Now when I look back on all that hurt I felt from the jackass who hurt me, I really can't believe I wasted all that time or all those tears on him! I am so much happier now and with a much better man. You will be too. Good people like you will end up with someone who won't turn their back on you, not even in the worst of times. The man you end up with will appreciate all the details. I'm rootin' for ya girl!
I really appreciate what you share with us. Really good~ I would like to share something with you as well.