I communicated with someone recently who's been divorced for some time now. This person went through a bitter divorce (and it was bitter largely because of "his" actions). I remember a time when he would refer to his ex in the most awful light, using the most ugly words. And this is the mother of his children. I remember thinking that there was something very wrong with this picture. This guy created life with someone else and yet, could speak so ill of her. He had absolutely no concern for her emotional or financial well being as he walked out the door. It was just unspeakable what he did not only to her but to his children. His ex didn't handle the disintegration of her family very well, understandably so, and wasn't very willing to make life easy for him either. The two of them engaged in a tit-for-tat, back and forth, tug-of-war that went affected everyone around them and lasted for a few years. Both were very immature and the last thing they did was put their children first. I've never personally known of two people going through a more bitter divorce or handling it so poorly. I couldn't imagine being romantically involved with someone in this situation. NO THANKS!!!! I'm sure many of us have heard nightmare stories like this. That seems to me to be more the reality than these elderly couples who lasted 50 or 70 years together. I wish those long lasting marriages were more the norm, but they're not. They're rare these days. If only more people REALLY meant it when they said for better or worse. What a lie.

In Joy,
Suzanne

At a party one night, I locked eyes with a very attractive man. I found his eyes somehow piercing and I immediately approached him, he smiled and we sat down and began talking. I felt an immediate familiarity with him. He reminded my of an ex who I had considered my soul mate in my 20s. I also felt us sink into a comfortable brother/sister connection. That was immediate. After about 20 minutes of conversation when it was obvious that I was attracted to him, he mentioned that he had a girlfriend. Typical, I thought. I felt lead on as he had been very flirtatious with me and was giving off very 'single vibes'.
Oddly, within a week or so, I was at a dance class and I met a girl who I rather liked for many different reasons. A week after that I was in town and I ran into the Narcissist and he was with this girl. I discovered that they were a couple. I was somehow smitten by the combination of the two of them and immediately wanted to be friends with them both. They were both artists, not living entirely from their art though, he was a bricklayer/builder and she was a student, some 15 years younger then him. After a bit of conversation, we worked out that I lived only a street away from them, so the girl invited me to their house one day and we became good friends. I realise in hindsight that I was escpecially excited about my friendship with her because it would give me access to this Narcissist, who I found so inspiring. The first time I went to their house, I was amazed by the artwork and the house he had built with his own hands. It was like a little castle and was like the fantasy home that I had been dreaming of. I felt so inspired every time I went there.
In the early stages I remember walking past his house to the shops one day and I ran into him on his street. We stopped and kissed hello and as we did, he whispered in my ear "I'm a bad boy you know". Later I was to learn what that meant.

My friendship with this girl was genuine and caring and over the course of a year or more, she became one of my closest friends. She spent a lot of time talking about her problems with the Narcissist and through her I realised I was having a relationship with him. I didn't see at the time that it was a bit twisted - they both seemed to embrace me and I just felt somehow honoured to have them as friends.
I went away for most of a year and during that time, the girl and I kept in regular phone contact. Again, possibly because I was now at a physical distance, she was very comfortable telling me intimate details of her relationship with the Narcissist and I seemed to have advice that resonated with her, so it went on and I got to know more and more about him and in the process, I felt closer and closer to him.

On returning to their town, I stayed with them for several days while I looked for a new place to live. I often got into debates with him about the injustice of the world towards women. I found him to be very chauvanistic and I admitted that I was a bit of a feminist, so we started to clash. I enjoyed immensely these debates which began to border on disagreements as they excited me and made me feel alive somehow.

As time went on, the Narcissist and I couldn't avoid teasing one another, which was also a form of flirtation. We even did it in front of his girlfriend/ my friend - it was as if neither of us could control the drive to debate and it would always take us over, even possess us.

Bit by bit my interactions with him became more and more flirtatious. I remember being at a bar with the two of them and with some others and he was sitting opposite but at another table with his mates, but facing me, and she was sitting somehow to the side. He and I locked eyes in the dim light and we were just smiling. I felt an extreme sexual attraction / tension but also guilt because I realised that I was lusting after my friend's boyfriend by this stage.

I began having fantasies that the three of us could somehow make a family together. It was like, I absolutely wanted her in this relationship, but not in a sexual way - I felt that the Narcissist wouldn't make the best father for various reasons, but that she and I would be great mothers, and somehow between the three of us, if I just borrowed his sperm and we never actually had sex, we could legitimately have this relationship with the three of us. I figured my lust towards him would subside if I had his child. I never thought about how my fantasy would fit into their lives however. I just felt loved by the two of them.

Things began to come to a head. She called me one afternoon saying she'd had a big fight with him about something mundane - their bathroom. He'd built the house and his bathroom was rather rustic, with no roof over the bathtub - just plants - and she's asked if they could put up a temporary roof for the winter and he'd apparently got defensive and yelled that if she didn't like it, she should move out.
I couldn't stand to hear that he was treating his girlfriend that way and that drive began in me again - I had to say something to him. The problem was, the way I would do it, I would tease him, trying to make light of a serious situation. He met us in town later that evening and we were sitting at a bar and I said to her "Should I ask him about the bathroom?" (I was always sticking my nose into their business as far as he was concerned, and I was.) He frowned at me ready for a fight, already defensive, mad at her because she's been talking to me about their fight. Next thing a rage came over him, in a public place, and he looked at me with blackness in his eyes and began to yell at me.
I was shocked because our debates had never turned into something as serious as that. She was shocked because she only knew him to behave like that towards his girlfriends - (he must be comfortable with you if he can talk to you in that tone). I must admit, I was scared, and I told him so as we left the bar to go home. I also felt excited, as if I'd got some power over him because I was able to push his buttons so much that he lost it at me. It was a strange mix of emotions.
He apologised for yelling at me and I ended up feeling even closer to him, but that I should really back away - the warning signs were there.

One more similar fight happened between the Narcissist and I a few weeks later. Again it was because I was sticking my nose in his business (after she'd been talking to me about their problems). I always felt like I had to go in to bat for her. She was much younger than he and I and I felt that he was only getting away with it because she was naiive. Again, I left the fight feeling shaken and excited by the power I had to bring out his rage.

Then came the intentional accident.

We would play muck around soccer together - the Narcissist, his girlfriend and a bunch of other people. It was just before he game one day and he was there with his mates - she hadn't arrived so I dived into an opportunity to tease him (flirt really) and put him in a bad mood because he lost face in front of his friends. When the game began, I'd been put on the opposite team to the Narcissist - a fatal move. When we were on the same team, we had to work together, and that made me feel close to him, but this day, our enemy sides were pitched against each other. During the game, the ball flew past my face at one point - it had come off his foot. I slapped him on the shoulder saying 'Hey, not so rough - that nearly hit me!" That angered him even more and next thing he demanded that I go into the goal position. I was scared and hesitated but he insisted "Everyone has to have a turn" his smile was evil.
Not five minutes of being in goals and he was coming towards me to kick with the ball. He kicked the ball so hard that when I put my hand up to block the ball, it smashed the bones in my wrist and sent my hand flying backwards. I felt to my knees and almost blacked out for a second. I was in extreme pain. The game stopped, but only momentarily because the Narcissist was soon telling everyone 'Don't worry about her, she just wants attention - play on!" and he looked at me and smiled his evil smile.
By this stage I had gone into some kind of shock and couldn't quite believe the way he was treating me. No amount of teasing I'd done could warrant such cruelty.
I was left to drive myself home. That evening not even his girlfriend called to see if I was okay. I felt like he had got to her, or perhaps she was just sick of seeing he and I flirt and thought it served me right, I'm not sure, but it was the most shocking revelation that these two were not really caring friends at all.
The next day I went to the emergency department when the swelling and pain got worse. I think I was in such shock when it happened that I didn't even go to the hospital the night it happened. I also live in a city where I have no family so I didn't have anyone much to help me.

After the xrays it was confirmed that the bone was broken through in two places - not the small wrist bones, but the large bone at the top of the arm. The force of the ball cracked it through in two places. I was beside myself as I had never broken a bone before. I called the girl and must have had a slightly accusatory tone in my voice when I said "Are you guys going to come up to the hospital and wait with me?"
She came, but not before telling the Narcissist what had happened - she also told him "I think she's blaming you for it". He reaction was to send me a text message: "You must admit - it was a good goal"
I couldn't believe that in a moment of seriousness, this Narcissist was unable to empathise at all with what I was going through.
I burst into tears and wrote back "Fuck off"
and he wrote again: "You can't be angry at me - it was an accident - you're just being a child and want someone to hate. Accidents happen in sport".
I felt sick. I was being emotionally abused after having suffered a physical abuse (which yes, might have been an accident as he couldn't have planned to break my arm - but my doctor agreed 'you feel attacked because essentially, you were..")

Anyway, I want to cut a long story short. The year following my broken arm has been a touch one. I experienced rage of my own in ways I had never known. At the height of my emotional pain, I was also experiencing an extreme attraction (what I thought was love) for this Narcissist. I pined for his company, even after what had happened. I thought somehow he would change when he saw how badly he'd injured me - I thought it would squeeze an ounce of pity out of him, but all it did was make him angry - because he knew he'd done the wrong thing, but wouldn't take any responsibility.
I didn't give up - I tried in my own madness to strike a friendship up with him again and was at great pains as my friendship with her drifted. A few months later, she had an affair and dug her own knives into the Narcissist. He seemed to lose his mind for a time as well and became abusive in ways to her and others close to him.

It's been more than a year since my arm was broken and my friendship with the girl has ended - it ended when she realised I couldn't support her new relationship. I still had unfinished business with the Narcissist and I no longer had access to him through her and it affected my feelings for her as well. She was also messed up about everything that had happened. I know she felt bad for me but I think in her own way she also thought I deserved it - so our friendship became toxic. I think I cried more about losing her than him though because my friendship with her had been genuine. Ironically, the Narcissist and I still talk but I always have trepidation about whether we are going to be polite or nasty and that excitement still drives my interactions with him, which now only happen incidentally.

That was until last night when I felt an urge to text him.
I'd got a phone call from a guy (I'll call him 'A')who had been there at the soccer game the say my arm was broken and he was trying to help me when the Narcissist was trying to get the game to play on. Well, A called me because he broke his leg playing, of all things, tennis! And the poor guy has been in hospital for the last week with complications after the initial surgery.

For some reason, after my conversation with A, I thought to text the Narcissist because he was my social link to A. I said:
"Did you know A is in hospital with a broken leg? Has anyone been up to see him?"

I think I wrote this to him, not only out of care for A (I am in another city and can't get to the hospital for a few days) but I also wrote it thinking I was giving the Narcissist a chance to be empathetic is a similar situation to what I had been through. His response (and it was immediate):
"Nope, nobody cares :) "

Exactly that, with the smily face and all.

I felt sick. I thought of ignoring it. Then I thought of biting and reacting with anger but then figured I would be giving him power. So I pretended to understand his sarcasm as an affectionate thing, which of course it is not, and I responded:
"Oh good. I just wanted to make sure."

And then I got on the internet and googled Narcissist and found Sam Vaknin's videos and watched them for about 2 hours. After his first video, I deleted the Narcissist number from my phone, finally, and I am now trying to arm myself with enough pride not to even acknowledge the Narcissist when I next cross his path (which seems inevitable in the small town that I live in).

Wish me luck!